Losing a Best Friend but gaining a Guardian Angel...


Hey Ya'll and Welcome Back 💞

In order for me to move on and continue with this blog, I must share a moment that has been hard for me to relive again.  Every time I think that I am ready to write this specific post, I end up doing things to keep me busy so I don't have to. I guess no time is ever a good time and I am still not full ready.  If I could continue to put it off I would.  Let's be honest I am not ready to accept my new reality, but if I am going to start healing it starts with this post.

Wednesday October 11, 2017 the day mom would be transported for the final time to the hospice house.  At that time she had become unresponsive (in terms of not verbally communicating) and hadn't eaten or drank in a couple of days.  Even though she wasn't able to verbally communicate she was still herself.  Thursday mom had gotten pain medication and as soon as it went into her body she began her rapid decline.  

The nurses didn't think she would be around longer than a few more hours.  Clearly they didn't know my mom though.  Friday came around and she was still hanging in like a champ.  It was also the last time mom said, "love you," to me.  The crazy thing is it was the only time she spoke and it was those two words to me.  With the nurses continuing to tell us that she wouldn't make it through the weekend, mom proved them wrong.  Saturday and Sunday came, mom was still fighting.  Monday night is when we realized that mom was definitely working on bigger and better things.  

You see the thing is mom could've went to her home in heaven Friday night.  She didn't she continued to suffer six days for the sake of others.  Watching mom suffer and put in work for God has got to be one of the most miraculous things I have ever seen.  Her suffering not only made my faith stronger but others who saw what she was doing.  It's like God gave her the option of tapping out early or continuing to fight for the greater good.  

These last six days of suffering just proved all along of the selfless person mom was.  Even though it was hard to see her go through this, she was teaching us until her final breathe.  

Wednesday October 18, 2017, I had been debating all morning if I should go to class.  Something kept telling me not to though.  All I wanted was to be by my moms side until the very end.  It was a blessing I didn't go to class.  Mom was going into overdrive, and trying to get that last job in before leaving us.  Dad, my aunt Debbie and I were the only ones with mom when she passed.  Watching her take her final breathe was the hardest moment of my life.  I have nightmares that continue of that moment and it is an image that constantly replays over and over in my mind.  Even though that was so hard to watch at the same time for mom's sake it was a relief.  A relief of her pain and that horrible disease.  

For me I went through a shock phase and also felt I couldn't fully breakdown because my dad and sister needed me to be strong for them.  It was like mom passed the strength torch to me.  Her passing has finally started to set in for me personally, and each morning I have an emotional breakdown.  Their are no words to explain what kind of pain this is.  Like your heart being broken and shattered into a million pieces.  Each morning I think I am going to walk into the living room and she will be their.  

Mom was my person.  We became so close during her battle with Cancer.  If only I could just talk to her because she gave me the best advice.  If only I could just get a hug from her because her hugs were my favorite.  Even though she isn't here with me on Earth, I receive messages from her.  The first message I received I will be writing in another post.  

I know mom is in a much better place, pain free with no more suffering from that horrible disease.  Mom has become my guardian angel and I feel her with me each and everyday.  I miss her so incredibly much and am still waiting on her selfie with Jesus.  

Lost is a good word to describe how I feel.  I mean I was so use to taking care of someone and now it's like what do I do now.  One thing I have learned is that I must now take care of myself and start living life.  Each day I want to do things that make mom proud.  

At the end of the day we don't know how long we have with the ones we love.  Don't take any of those moments with those people for granted.  

Love you Mom!



Until next time, have a great day and God Bless.

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