Letting it all out...


Hey Ya'll and Welcome Back 💞

For todays post I just want to reflect and honestly get out what I am feeling at this point.  I am passionate about this blog and I love writing how I feel.  This blog in a way has been a blessing and has allowed me to have a place where I can write about what I choose.  In this point in time this is that one place I feel like allows me to process.  I just want to share my point of view from the past three days.

For those that have read my last blog you know what has happened recently in my life.  If you haven't read my previous post I recommend reading it to get a better understanding of this moment of reflection.   

I want to start with Tuesday August 15, 2017.  After finding out the news about mom a part of me has changed.  From the moment the doctor began speaking and even now it is almost as if I am having this weird out of body experience.  I don't know exactly how to describe this feeling.  The best way might be it's like being in a dream or nightmare for that matter.  It's as if I am in a fog and don't feel like this is real life.  

Many emotions are going through me but the two that are the worst right now are sadness and anger.  Fear of the unknown is very close behind.  I guess I am afraid to admit that I'm scared.  My happiness has been stripped away and it's as if I don't know how to be happy.  Why should I be happy when all I want to do is save my mom.  Those that know me know that I am usually a very happy go lucky person.  A switch has gone off in me and internally I have become the opposite.  Maybe I am just scared to laugh but I want to be able to laugh with my mom and enjoy as many happy moments with her as I can.  Just when I feel like I have pulled myself back together I breakdown again.  If only I could go a day without crying and just reflecting now has me emotional.  I am not angry at God I am angry that cancer exist and takes people away that you love.  I am sad because I don't want to think of a memory where my mom isn't there.  I have fear and am scared because I don't want to see my mom in pain or have to suffer.  

Ever since finding out moms news I have felt nauseous.  Like someone has punched me in the stomach over and over again.  I was worried that stress would lead me to want to eat and throw this weight loss journey out of the window.  For the first time stress has made me not really want to eat.  I am still on my 12 week program but am finding it very difficult.  Difficult in the sense that I have to force myself to eat and hitting my macros is a huge challenge.  The opposite is happening to me on many different levels and I honestly don't know what is happening inside.  I know I have to eat because food gives you energy and I need as much energy as I can get right now.  Working out allows me to let out these emotions and it helps get my mind off of things for a few minutes.  The past 4 weeks I have been working really hard and have been sticking to my health and fitness goals.  I can't afford to let that all go again.  So yes I am still continuing on my weight loss journey.   If I can accomplish it during this stressful and hard time then it gives me hope that I can actually do this. 

Yesterday hospice came to the house and we met with a nurse and social worker.  I know mom will be so well taken care of.  A blessing of living in the South are the kind people.  The nurse and social worker were so nice and just easy to talk to.  

I feel like sharing my personal point of view right now and emotions are important.  It is therapeutic and writing helps me cope.  Thank each and every one of you for the prayers, love and support.  

Until next time, have a great day and God Bless. 




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