Finding Christ, in the darkest time of my life.

Hey Ya'll it has been a while...

Something or should I say someone has been telling me that I should make this post.  Eventually, I will get back to posting more blogs.  I personally have been feeling like this particular post though couldn't have been shared at a better time.  In this post I would like to share my spiritual journey.  How even in the darkest moment of my life God was the only one that seemed to be there.

Friday January 19 of this year I had gone to my room to get ready for bed.  This dark wave came over me, and I was unsure of what was about to take place.  I had just gotten into bed and then boom, a continuous stream of tears rolled down my face.  During the crying I had a panic attack and couldn't seem to breathe.  The crying continued the entire night and when I woke up the next day it was as if my soul had been taken away.  During the night the only thing I could do was cry out to Jesus.  In the darkest moment of my life He was the only One I seemed to be able to turn to.  Throughout the night all I could do was surrender myself and ask for His help.  In this very moment is where my faith changed.  

During moms suffering is when I became a believer of Christ but when she passed I seemed so distant to God.  I have never been angry at Him and have found myself being angry at other things.  Something just kept me at arms length with him though.  I wasn't super excited to go to mass on Sundays because it made me sad.  When choosing where to sit I would sit in the back of the church.  All I could think about was the last time I got to close to God something bad happened.  I didn't want to be hurt by him again, but after this extreme breakdown he was the only who was there.  

He never gave up on me finding my way back to him.  The following weeks I found myself praying more.  The more I prayed and had conversations with God the better I felt.  My days seemed to get brighter when I seeked to find him in every moment of my day.  Going to mass seemed to be something I needed in my life.  Not only to feel the closest to God but because it is the one place I feel moms presence the strongest.  As lent was approaching I knew during lent I wanted to go to daily mass.  This is something that I never thought I needed to go to because I went to mass on Sunday's and that seemed to be enough.  

During lent my faith grew the most.  This has been the best lenten season for me personally and I finally have realized the importance of The Passion of Christ.  Each week I found myself attending daily mass at least 3 times a week.  Each week I found myself at adoration.  Each week I learned more and more about Jesus and the sacrifice he made so I could be here.  It all clicked for me like the biggest light bulb going off ever.  Moms suffering taught me about the suffering of Christ.  He loves me so much that he gave his life for me.  He forgives me and accepts every part of me.  He brought me to confession something I haven't done in over 7 years.  He lifted the burdens, anger, hurt and sadness from my heart.  Even though I don't go a day without crying I know He is there.  

On Holy Thursday I felt like I needed to go to adoration after mass.  One day I had found this book in moms things that Mother Teresa had written and was meant to be used while at adoration.  For whatever reason on Holy Thursday I knew I needed to bring that particular book with me.  I began reading over it while waiting more mass to begin.  With each word I read the importance of spending at least one hour in adoration.  Then Fr. Rick began his homily and the message was about Mother Teresa and the book I was reading.  In that moment I knew adoration was where I needed to be.  On Holy Thursday evening people go to adoration to stay awake with Jesus.  Unlike the deciples who fell asleep it is a time where you can stay awake with him.  I wasn't sure how long I would stay (at least an hour) but found myself their till midnight when the chapel closed.  It was like I couldn't leave and had the best conversation with Jesus that night.  

Someone whom I look up to was telling me a story one night after adoration.  As she was telling me this story I realized that I could talk to God like he is a best friend.  It doesn't have to be this super serious thing, which I thought it had to be.  When I changed how I spoke to him it became easier when I just spoke like speaking to a best friend.  While I was doing a closing prayer before leaving adoration on Holy Thursday it was as if someone was squeezing my hand.  Maybe it was both mom and Jesus but it was sign telling me that they were both there with me.  

Lately I have been wondering if what I witnessed through mom hadn't of happened would my faith be this strong.  I don't know where my faith would be and I wish that this is not how it happened.  In one thing I have learned though is to just trust God and everything happens for a reason.  My faith is what gets me out of bed each day.  My faith is what helps me find a way to smile.  My faith has opened my eyes to a whole new world.  For this I am forever thankful for Easter and for what Christ did for us all.

Hope you have a great day and God Bless